Insult Sword Fighting

An absolute classic.

What?: It's a type of combat from the Lucasarts Monkey Island games where wit is the focal point of a duel, using insults to humiliate and catch the opponent off guard to disarm him/her rather than combat prowess. These are brief rules attempting to adapt that idea. This was written with DCC in mind but it can probably be adapted to any D&D-style system.

To represent the stress and humiliation that takes a toll on the character during insult sword fighting, they take Charm Point damage rather than HP. A character's CP is Personality/Charisma + Level.

Initiative is handled as normal. The winner hurls the insult and the loser must make a retort to defend themselves. The rest of the rounds the roles of attacker and defender are switched. Or not, if you prefer to roll initiative every round.

An okay insult met with an okay retort results in a D6 of CP damage taken by the defender. This damage die is adjusted by weaker or stronger insults and retorts, with the adjustment expressed as Xd (where X is the number of steps up or down the die chain). A great insult gives +1d to the damage die while a superb or genius insult gives +2d. A great retort or genius retort gives -1d and -2d respectively.

Weak insults or retorts give -1d to damage and +1d to damage respectively. If the attacker has no insult, the defender may launch a counter insult. If the defender has no retort, they give +2d to damage. This is all adjudicated by how amused or impressed the Judge is by the wit of an insult or retort.

The first "combatant" reduced to 0 Charm Points is disarmed both mentally and physically and is at the mercy of the winner. A winner killing his opponent is massively frowned upon and considered unlawful murder. That being said, never enter an insult sword duel with a chaos champion...

I've realized that judging how effective an insult is can be strange when it's an NPC that you, as the GM, are playing. To avoid bias when determining the retorts and insults of NPCs, I'd recommend the following simple rule:

Roll under the NPCs Personality/Charisma. If it is equal to or below their score, it's a good insult/retort and above the score grants a weak result. Rolling ten points below (or a 1) grants a superb insult/retort and rolling 10 points above (or a 20) results in a complete blank as they are taken aback.

Some example opponents, for fun:

Bilbert the Quick-witted (Self-given title, Charisma 10, CP 11): A young scamp with a wooden sword and Ned Kelly style pot helmet (literally a pot), eager and brash. All of his insults and retorts are puerile, cheeky and boastful. Will attempt to sway an audience to his side during the duel. When defeated, he is a graceful and humble loser who will become a fan of the PC and try to help them if he can.

Francis Moralon ("MORAL-OWN, NOT MORAL-ON YOU INSIPID...", Charisma 8, CP 12): A self-aggrandizing snooty noble type, too self-important to crack a smile. Will of course turn their noses up at the PCs. All of his insults and retorts are references to long-forgotten literature that YOU wouldn't know about. Holds his audience in disdain, considering the duel a "demonstration of civility" that will educate them. It's not hard to imagine how sorely he takes defeat. Will try to avoid the PC after that because of the humiliation.

Sir Brett Romero (Courteous female knight, Charisma 14, CP 18): A very hearty and generous knight wearing a bulky suit of plate and wielding a one-handed blade resembling a flamberge. If asked about it she will tell of how it is an enchanted blade won from the hoard of a Jabberwock. It can be activated by a "good and virtuous soul" to enflame but she will truthfully assure her opponent that she will not cause foul play. Her insults and retorts are polite and playfully put remarks about her foe's character. She greatly values a good insult sword fight and will try to buy the party drinks afterwards. I recommend making her say "OH-HO!" at least once.

They of Glorious Frame and Tongue (An affable enigma wrapped in exotic clothing, Charisma 18, CP 25): A peculiar but soft spoken individual who the party will meet in the wilderness, surrounded by a strange mist. They will request an insult sword fight and offer a bag of valuable gems to whoever can defeat them. Their weapon is a simple rapier. If questioned about their clothing, they will explain that they have been blessed by the Gods with utterly magnificent beauty and "would stop the heart of any who gaze upon my form".

They are actually a champion of Chaos but cannot resist flaunting their wit. All of their insults and retorts are creepily intimate, discussing secrets and details of the PC's life that they shouldn't really know. If the PC loses, they will ask "Your body or your life?" Choosing "body" will make them reveal their true eye which fires a Ray of Mutation. Save vs. Mutant. After this, the mists will reveal a band of mutants waiting for their new member. They will then simply leave, laughing and not attacking the party unless provoked. If the PC manages to win, They will have a look of intense anger in their eyes and then disappear into the mist. The mist itself soon fades and the PCs have made an enemy for life.

Refusing the duel and/or fleeing is definitely an option. Running through the mists won't cause the PCs to teleport, unlike in Ravenloft. They will just watch, disappointed and shaking their head, before looking for their next opponent.

The Hidden Folk (A Replacement for Gnomes)

Here's a quick and unusual replacement for gnomes (heavily influenced by/ripped off from Nelson Tethers) because I'm not super fond of D&D gnomes:

The Hidden Folk: +1 WIS, -1 CON.
You are short, have a beard and red hat, and fucking love riddles.

You are also part of THE CONSPIRACY to make sure [REDACTED] happens. The GM should just give you a random objective (not necessarily good or evil) to perform for the The Hidden Folk. After you are done, a messenger will show up and give you another objective with no further details. You will never get a clear idea of the big picture and should never question it. You can't level up until you help further THE CONSPIRACY.

Your aptitude for riddles, puzzles, etc. allows you, once+level times per day, to receive a clear and useful clue or hint from the DM regarding any puzzle or riddle. Your obsession also makes it extremely hard to resist a riddle challenge from others (Save versus riddle solving).

Your actual language is maddening to those who aren't Hidden Folk. You have no idea of its linguistic origins and frankly, it's draining to even speak. Once per level you may whisper into the ear of a creature and (if they fail a saving throw) one of two effects can be chosen:

They briefly become part of THE CONSPIRACY (as Charm Person) or they are temporarily driven insane (as Confusion).

At name level (HIDDEN RIDDLEMEISTER) you may retire to wherever your people hide and you are finally privy to the details of THE CONSPIRACY.

By WonderDookie.  Beware the whispers...

Video Game Inspired Encumbrance Idea

Glorious kill!

Fighters can carry one extra unique type of weapon or other war implement per level without encumbrance (so one axe, one bow, one sword, etc.).

I'd count this as religious equipment.

Clerics can carry one extra unique item of religious equipment per level without encumbrance (one holy symbol, one incense burner, an extra holy water flask, etc. If you want to go all Uukrul/polytheistic allow each holy symbol of a different religion to count as a unique item).

For all your daemon summoning needs!

Magic-Users can carry one extra magical tool, scroll or significant magic component per level without encumbrance.

Ignoring encumbrance rules since 1986. 

Thieves/Rogues/Specialists can carry an extra, well, anything per level without encumbrance as long as it is related to one of their skills in a reasonable fashion. OR, optionally, it could be straight up anything they find, if you want to go for maximum 90s point and click hero.

Saint Eustain's Musical Monk (Rare and Holy Item)

A remarkable automaton from c. 1560!
See it in action here.

In a prior age, Saint Eustain worked his miracles in a most unusual fashion.  He would craft a small mechanical toy of a singing monk, a trundling figure with a music box contained within, and imbue it with holy might.  Many have been lost to time, but all accounts regarding them have called them both delightful and a great aid in battling the forces of darkness.  Most beings of Chaos cannot even touch one (they must save or suffer 1d8 damage), let alone attempt to destroy it.  This has helped preserve them in unlikely places such as dungeons, corrupted churches, etc.  They can usually be found covered up or hidden away from dungeon denizen eyes.

Once per day, a musical monk can be activated and it will slowly move and "sing" its particular song for ten minutes.  Here are 1d4 example types of musical monk:

1. The Lord is My Shepherd: When faced with any branching paths, which button to press, etc. it will move towards the most optimal (and if applicable moral) option for the party to take.

2. Sumer is Icumen in: Fills the room it occupies with a light as powerful as sunlight.  It does not affect the eyesight of the Lawful and Neutral but temporarily blinds the Chaotic.

3. Abide with Me: Provides a 15' radius of protection (+2 to AC and +2 to Saves).  It also allows any character who chants with it and holds a holy symbol aloft to turn undead.  Lawful clerics receive a +1/+3 bonus on a 2d6/1d20 turn undead roll.

4. Be Still for the Presence of the Lord: All Chaotic creatures in a 15' radius must save versus standing still in awe (treat as paralysis).  Those rapt may not be harmed by the monk's user and/or their party.  If a cleric then successfully turns any of these stunned beings, beings of pure evil will flee or be dispelled as normal but Chaotic followers will see the light and convert to Law. 

If this is seen as too powerful by the GM, they may allow an additional save versus conversion.          

Also, since we're on the topic, Elvis' rendition of How Great Thou Art is fantastic.

Fantastic Combat Houserule for the D20 Combat System in OD&D/Whitebox

In Chainmail, and OD&D if you use it as a combat system, there is a rule for two beings of sufficient might (Heroes, Wizards, Dragons, Elementals, etc.) to engage in mortal combat.  This is called the Fantasy Combat rule and how it was resolved was through rolling 2d6 against a target number based on the strength of the opponent.  However, a single successful strike meant that the defender was slain outright, instead of losing wounds or hit points.  In this post I will briefly detail a system for replicating this facet of Chainmail's combat in OD&D.  This has been done before but I've decided to also take a crack at replicating this dramatic and deadly combat system.

There's a chance for heroics...

Two beings of 4 or more hit dice may engage in Fantasy/Mortal Combat.  They must duel mano a mano and combat proceeds as normal.  However, for every hit struck the attacker rolls a number of six sided dice equal to their hit dice to calculate damage.  This dramatic battle may not be interrupted or intruded upon by any other opponents.  Those that interrupt, strike into the duel, call for guards, etc. can only deal a single die of damage and ruin the Fantasy Combat.  After this transgression, combat reverts to its regular form.     

(Optional but fun rule) From Hell's heart...:  The gods love entertainment, and the underdog.  They will grant a PC slain in this heroic combat the strength for one last strike, a chance to spite and spell doom for their opponent.

But beware the consequences!

  

   

Servitors of the Ur-Dungeon

HD: Dungeon Level +1.

AC: 6 [13]. 5 [14] if of the long-clawed variety.

Attacks: 2 claws (1d6), 1d8 per swipe if long-clawed.

Special: Immune to traps and can bypass dungeon phenomena easily, orb of Repair Spiders (if Standard Unit) or detachable, long reaching claw with a grasping mechanism (if Long-clawed Unit).

Movement: Upsettingly quick (Standard Unit) or walking speed (Long-clawed Unit).

Alignment: Lawful Neutral.

Dungeons are looted and monsters, along with unfortunate adventurers, are slain. The Servitors fulfil the work of cleaning the blood off the walls, replacing monsters, resetting traps, and carefully placing loot to draw upon the greed of surface-dwellers after the latest party has escaped.

They are bio-mechanical, a metallic, clawed body with a misshapen fleshy head. They are formed in the hideous, endless cavern dimension of the Ur-Dungeon and are imbued with life using the souls of adventurers left behind in the dungeon. They help proliferate the labyrinthine spawn of the Ur-Dungeon, more adventurers fall prey to it, more Servitors are created, and thus the cycle continues.

There are two kinds of Servitor sent out from the Ur-Dungeon's dimension. Standard Units are about 4 feet tall, move on small wheels and have strange orbs attached to their stomachs. These contain Repair Spiders which are released for repairing traps and other mechanical phenomena within the dungeon. An orb can be utilized thrice before needing to be refilled. Long-clawed Units are as tall as a troll (roughly 7 feet), have freakishly long arms and legs (5 feet long) and are tremendously strong. They fulfil the tasks of dragging in larger unconscious monsters, bigger treasures, etc.

Occasionally, an adventurer's soul will reawaken their own memories inside a Servitor. This is incompatible with its mental programming and conditioning and drives it insane. While berserk, they escape the Ur-Dungeon dimension into a random dungeon. It is in this state that adventurers encounter one or more of the Servitors and must deal with their newfound bloodlust. After killing these horrors, the party will mysteriously find a sack of gems (1d6+2, dungeon levelx100 in value) and a small note giving thanks and a useful piece of advice about the dungeon.

Definitely one of the most peculiar games I've ever witnessed.

D6 Ways to Introduce Your Next NPC, or Party Member After a PC Dies in the Dungeon

1. They are found trapped in a barrel for monsters to cook/eat raw later, Laurentius-of-the-Great-Swamp-style.

2. They emerge from a scroll, covered in paper cuts. All they can recall of the experience of being trapped inside Scroll-space is something simply referred to as "the Horror".

3. One of the monsters you are fighting is actually a dude/dudette in disguise that learned the language and lived among the monsters for 1d4+2 months (or years). The disguise is incredibly apparent to the party but not the monsters. They are happy to be back with (relatively) regular people but feels guilt occasionally for how the party murdered their "family".

4. The great cosmic Ur-Dungeon, searching for horrors and treasures in the multiverse to populate its deadly labyrinths, accidentally swallowed and regurgitated a being without putting it through the necessary mental conditioning for a dungeon environment. They are scared and very confused.

5. They were "always there" in the group as far as anyone can remember, Rick and Morty style. Everyone acts like this is normal (except for maybe at least one PC who realizes this anomaly).

6. A big monster (like an ogre or something) is walking its pets on a leash. Roll randomly for 1d3 "domesticated" monsters and then add the NPC. Their equipment is probably in the bag slung over the monster's shoulder.

The Ur-Dungeon Denizen Acclimatization Programme: 
He'll be hoarding treasure and killing adventurers in no time!