Insult Sword Fighting

An absolute classic.

What?: It's a type of combat from the Lucasarts Monkey Island games where wit is the focal point of a duel, using insults to humiliate and catch the opponent off guard to disarm him/her rather than combat prowess. These are brief rules attempting to adapt that idea. This was written with DCC in mind but it can probably be adapted to any D&D-style system.

To represent the stress and humiliation that takes a toll on the character during insult sword fighting, they take Charm Point damage rather than HP. A character's CP is Personality/Charisma + Level.

Initiative is handled as normal. The winner hurls the insult and the loser must make a retort to defend themselves. The rest of the rounds the roles of attacker and defender are switched. Or not, if you prefer to roll initiative every round.

An okay insult met with an okay retort results in a D6 of CP damage taken by the defender. This damage die is adjusted by weaker or stronger insults and retorts, with the adjustment expressed as Xd (where X is the number of steps up or down the die chain). A great insult gives +1d to the damage die while a superb or genius insult gives +2d. A great retort or genius retort gives -1d and -2d respectively.

Weak insults or retorts give -1d to damage and +1d to damage respectively. If the attacker has no insult, the defender may launch a counter insult. If the defender has no retort, they give +2d to damage. This is all adjudicated by how amused or impressed the Judge is by the wit of an insult or retort.

The first "combatant" reduced to 0 Charm Points is disarmed both mentally and physically and is at the mercy of the winner. A winner killing his opponent is massively frowned upon and considered unlawful murder. That being said, never enter an insult sword duel with a chaos champion...

I've realized that judging how effective an insult is can be strange when it's an NPC that you, as the GM, are playing. To avoid bias when determining the retorts and insults of NPCs, I'd recommend the following simple rule:

Roll under the NPCs Personality/Charisma. If it is equal to or below their score, it's a good insult/retort and above the score grants a weak result. Rolling ten points below (or a 1) grants a superb insult/retort and rolling 10 points above (or a 20) results in a complete blank as they are taken aback.

Some example opponents, for fun:

Bilbert the Quick-witted (Self-given title, Charisma 10, CP 11): A young scamp with a wooden sword and Ned Kelly style pot helmet (literally a pot), eager and brash. All of his insults and retorts are puerile, cheeky and boastful. Will attempt to sway an audience to his side during the duel. When defeated, he is a graceful and humble loser who will become a fan of the PC and try to help them if he can.

Francis Moralon ("MORAL-OWN, NOT MORAL-ON YOU INSIPID...", Charisma 8, CP 12): A self-aggrandizing snooty noble type, too self-important to crack a smile. Will of course turn their noses up at the PCs. All of his insults and retorts are references to long-forgotten literature that YOU wouldn't know about. Holds his audience in disdain, considering the duel a "demonstration of civility" that will educate them. It's not hard to imagine how sorely he takes defeat. Will try to avoid the PC after that because of the humiliation.

Sir Brett Romero (Courteous female knight, Charisma 14, CP 18): A very hearty and generous knight wearing a bulky suit of plate and wielding a one-handed blade resembling a flamberge. If asked about it she will tell of how it is an enchanted blade won from the hoard of a Jabberwock. It can be activated by a "good and virtuous soul" to enflame but she will truthfully assure her opponent that she will not cause foul play. Her insults and retorts are polite and playfully put remarks about her foe's character. She greatly values a good insult sword fight and will try to buy the party drinks afterwards. I recommend making her say "OH-HO!" at least once.

They of Glorious Frame and Tongue (An affable enigma wrapped in exotic clothing, Charisma 18, CP 25): A peculiar but soft spoken individual who the party will meet in the wilderness, surrounded by a strange mist. They will request an insult sword fight and offer a bag of valuable gems to whoever can defeat them. Their weapon is a simple rapier. If questioned about their clothing, they will explain that they have been blessed by the Gods with utterly magnificent beauty and "would stop the heart of any who gaze upon my form".

They are actually a champion of Chaos but cannot resist flaunting their wit. All of their insults and retorts are creepily intimate, discussing secrets and details of the PC's life that they shouldn't really know. If the PC loses, they will ask "Your body or your life?" Choosing "body" will make them reveal their true eye which fires a Ray of Mutation. Save vs. Mutant. After this, the mists will reveal a band of mutants waiting for their new member. They will then simply leave, laughing and not attacking the party unless provoked. If the PC manages to win, They will have a look of intense anger in their eyes and then disappear into the mist. The mist itself soon fades and the PCs have made an enemy for life.

Refusing the duel and/or fleeing is definitely an option. Running through the mists won't cause the PCs to teleport, unlike in Ravenloft. They will just watch, disappointed and shaking their head, before looking for their next opponent.